You always want to leave until you are so far gone you can no longer remember what it felt like to be a part of anything, and don’t ask me why I start wanting things I never even liked before I lost them and why I can’t let go of anything that is holding me back. Missing is part of moving on, right? I wait to be reassured by some kind of higher power, but I always end up alone. The more I hate it, the more I want it. The more I hate it, the more I want to change it. I take it as a challenge, an I-can-do-this in a world of you-can’ts. I thought that mindset only reigned true with people I wanted to hold onto, but once I moved on from that phase, I did everything I could to love the place I was— even if I didn’t— and I convinced myself that location has no affect on mindset. I was kidding myself.
I’m not one to bitch and moan.
But I need to vent, because some shit is making me mad as fuck…
I’m mad at the girls who stomped on my heart.
Made me think I was their everything just to tear me apart.
Don’t mistake that for anything, I never want them back.
I’m just mad as fuck, so I’m telling you what’s up.
I’m mad at my little brother, for throwing his life away.
Down the drain it goes, just like that cocaine.
You’re the epitome of lack of soul, just swimming in a fish bowl.
Contaminated with sex, drugs, and violence.
Why don’t you see that there’s more to life, than fucking Snow on tha Bluff?
I’m mad at my mom and dad, cause how they raised my little brother.
While it was the hot seat for me every fucking night.
He ran amuck and never gave a fright.
But by the time you realized what you’d done, it was too late to right the sinking ship.
So you turned to excuses and cheap scapegoating.
Hell you even pointed a finger at me…
But I’m maddest at the god I thought was real.
Every night before bed I’d say a little prayer.
I’d always ask for you to keep my family safe,
To make sure everyone made it through the night.
And all my prayers ever got me was absolutely nothing.
So dear god, if you even exist.
I don’t need you, am I making myself clear?